I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
