she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
