I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
