you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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