just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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