another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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