Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
