Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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