No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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