I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
