I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So squirting runs in the family.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
