I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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