There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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