Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
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Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
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My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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