all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
