i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
