Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
