I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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