the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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