Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I deserve this hangover.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
