U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
