Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
