Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
