Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
