If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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