this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
