The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Blood and glitter go together right?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just want to make out with him forever
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
