i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
