He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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