i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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