this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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