My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
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Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
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Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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