I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
