we're chasing vodka with high fives
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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