I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
