how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
