OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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