she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
