You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
