someone threw a dead crab at me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my being single is dangerous.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
