between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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