Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
