I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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