What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
