So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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