Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
