I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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