Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Drake has all the answers
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
