if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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