She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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