Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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