Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
