you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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