Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
