How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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