Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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