You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
