Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
