you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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