Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You're like the curious george of whores
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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